Wendy McCallum (01:28)
Every coach has had that moment. You're staring at your calendar, you're seeing a client's name and you're feeling a pit in your stomach. Maybe because they keep canceling and you're expecting them to not show up again. Maybe they're not doing the work. Maybe you've been dancing around the same problem for weeks because you don't know how to bring it up.
⁓ The difficult client conversation is the one that most coaches avoid until they can't anymore. And by then the issue has often gotten worse and it feels almost catastrophic. This episode is about having those conversations sooner, more skillfully and with more confidence. Because the ability to address hard things directly with kindness and clarity is one of the most important skills you can develop as a coach.
Welcome back to The Coaching Edge. I'm Wendy McCallum, your host. This is episode 90 for the final episode in our five-part series about the conversations that build coaching businesses. Just a quick recap of what we've covered this month so far. If you haven't listened to the other episodes in this series, I'm really proud of it. I think it's a really important set of topics and I really encourage you to go back and listen to them. In episode 90, we talked about...
the referral conversation, how to ask for referrals without feeling salesy. In episode 91, we talked about networking. Does that give you the X too? This is what to say when you meet potential clients, referral sources or collaborators. In episode 92, we talked about how to follow up after a conversation that doesn't convert. So when somebody says something to you like, I'm not ready yet, or, you know, I don't know if...
the timing is right for this and how to do that in a way that doesn't feel salesy and desperate. In episode 93, last week, we talked about the process of talking about your pricing. So the different ways you can do that as a coach, whether you put your prices on your website or whether you don't and how you address the things that come up around pricing. So this starts to become something you state with great confidence and can handle.
without getting flustered. We also talked in that episode last week about discounts, when to offer them, when not to offer them, the beauty of getting on a call with somebody and being able to offer customized solutions, all the things around pricing last week. This week, we're talking about, as I said, the difficult client conversations. I saved this one to last. We're gonna talk about some of the really common problems that come up in coaching relationships and how to address them before they could become deal breakers.
So let's start with that. Why do we avoid difficult conversations as coaches? Well, I think this is not ⁓ rocket science. Most of us get into this work because we really care about people. And the last thing we want to do is hurt anybody's feelings. And for many coaches, confrontation feels antithetical to coaching. It feels kind of like it doesn't fit in the safe coaching container that you try to create. I get that.
I get that. think we have a fear of damaging the relationship, of upsetting our clients, of making them defensive or of us being seen as harsh or unkind. And so we avoid these conversations. But the thing is, the more you avoid the conversation,
the more likely it is that what was once a small issue becomes a really big issue and that resentment starts to build on both sides and the coaching starts to really suffer and the value for the client really starts to suffer and the relationship ends up ending badly anyway. And so I really want to help you reframe this today. I really want you to start thinking about it from this perspective. What if having a difficult conversation isn't unkind? Avoiding a difficult conversation.
is the unkind thing. So what if the avoidance of the conversation is actually what's unkind to your client? And actually having the conversation is the kind thing. Having that hard conversation is the kind thing. It allows us to address issues directly and with care. And I think it's a form of respect. And for me, it really goes along with the whole idea that my clients are naturally resourceful, creative, and whole. They know themselves better than anybody else does. And they make, when push comes to shove,
the best decisions for themselves. And so I, along those lines, I always wanna be showing up, respecting that. And part of respecting that is respecting that they have the capacity to deal with a difficult conversation with me because they deserve a really great coaching experience. And I also deserve a great coaching experience as their coach. So today we're gonna talk about five of the most common difficult client situations.
what's really going on underneath and how to have the conversation, the specific language and approaches that you can start experimenting with. And then also the question of when to address these things and when to let them go. So the first difficult conversation that I wanna talk about is when you have a client who's not doing the work. And this is actually pretty common. What does this look like? It looks like people showing up for sessions and
saying the same thing they said last week, like nothing has changed. It might be that they're not following through on whatever commitments they're making or whatever they're agreeing to the accountability that they have between sessions to get something done or to be working on something. It might feel like you're doing more work than they are and the conversations start to feel really repetitive. It's the same issues, it's the same patterns. There's not a lot of movement week to week.
This can happen for a bunch of different reasons. And again, you're going to see that in this whole episode today, I'm going to talk about five different client conversations that through FAIR, the like, common thread with all of them is really curiosity, staying curious, which you have heard me talk about before, if you've been listening to this podcast for a while. It's important to drop assumptions. And I think we all tend to make assumptions when things aren't going well as to why they're not going well. But I can tell you that.
there are so many reasons why a client can start to get stuck and it can start to feel like they're not doing the work. And so here's what might be happening. First of all, they might just be overwhelmed and totally overcommitted. So for me, this is just an obvious one. This happens all the time. I work with two main segments of people, people who are really busy professionals and are in burnout or close to burnout. And I also work with coaches in the first five years of business. Both of those groups of people,
are people who have a lot on their plate and oftentimes a lot of competing responsibilities. It is very often the case that they have overcommitted themselves outside of coaching and coaching is kind of becoming the lowest priority on their list of all the things that they need to be doing right now. They also sometimes might not be ready for real change. So sometimes this happens. have people who are like the other side of the change or the decision or the
is actually a really big deal and really scary for them. So even if they think they're ready for it, they might not be ready for it. And staying curious around that can be really helpful for you as a coach. Sometimes the goals that they're trying to reach aren't actually their goals. They're just things they think they should be doing or someone else has told them they need to be doing. And that is not a recipe for change for humans. And you probably already know that as a coach.
A lot of the time, fear or anxiety is keeping them stuck. So again, getting curious can help you to uncover what's really behind this like them not doing the work ⁓ thing that's happening. And every once in a while, coaching just isn't the right support thing for them right now. Maybe there's something else that they need that would help them more.
Oftentimes for me, the thing that comes up is therapy. So I am sometimes working with people and it is really clear that they are so stuck in, for example, some past trauma and they really need support processing and moving through that. And that is not something that is within my scope as a coach. So every once in a while that happens. Don't avoid the conversation though, because if you avoid the conversation, you're never going to get to the bottom of what's actually going on here. And you owe that to your client and you owe that to yourself.
This is not about judging them, this is about serving them. And if they're not making progress, something has to change because they're not gonna feel like they got value out of the coaching. They're not gonna feel like they're actually being heard, like you're actually paying attention to what's happening in the sessions. And they're not gonna be happy at the end of the day with the coaching arrangement, and neither are you, frankly. It's gonna be no fun for you. So here's what you need to do. Start with curiosity, as I said, not accusations or assumptions. Say something like,
I've noticed that we've been talking about this for a few weeks now. This issue has come up every week in the last three sessions for us. It doesn't seem like too much is shifting and I'm curious, what's going on for you? What's that about? What do you think that's about? Or can we pause and just check in on how this is feeling, this conversation's feeling today? I want to make sure that the coaching that we're doing is actually serving you right now. I want to make sure that you feel like you're getting value from it. I often ask clients,
when I am feeling like we're not making a lot of movement, I'll say, I'm curious. Does it still feel to you like there's value in these sessions? And if so, what is the value for you? And I get them to articulate that. And I'm often surprised by the answer. And the answer is usually yes. And I'm surprised by that. Cause to me, it sometimes feels like, well, we're not getting anything accomplished here. But they'll say, you know what? This is the thing that's keeping me sane.
I actually once had a client, I don't know if I've shared this on the podcast, but I worked with this person for years and he was one of my favorite people and we made tons of progress for a long time and then at a certain point it started to feel like we were sort of in a holding pattern, we plateaued. And I asked him that question. If he still felt like there was value, I said, look, I love sitting with you every week, but I don't want you to feel like you have to keep coming just because we have this great relationship or you feel like you owe that to me or there's some other reason why you're here.
I wanna make sure that you still feel like you're getting value, like real value out of the time that we spend together. And he said, Wendy, this office is like a port in the storm. And I'll never forget those words. He said, I come here and it is an hour where I get to just say whatever's on my mind. I get to talk through things with you. I get to, I feel comfortable. I feel safe. I get to be vulnerable. I don't get that anywhere else in my life.
So the value was there for them. It just wasn't what I thought it was, right? So asking the question, staying curious is gonna serve all of you. You can name the pattern if you're noticing it. Like I'm noticing that we're setting intentions on our calls, but when we get together a week later, you have struggled with the follow through. Like something is standing in the way of the follow through for you. And I'm not saying that to criticize at all. I just wanna...
understand what might be getting in the way. Can we talk about that for a little bit? The other thing you might want to ask about is whether their goals have shifted. So you can go back to what you talked about in your first session, for example, or maybe even your discovery call and say, this is what we thought was the right thing to be working on. Does that still feel like the right goal for you or has something shifted? Because if it has, that's totally OK. You can ask them directly, like, what's making it hard to take action for you between sessions? You're going to get
really good information from that. It might be, my God, I'm so busy, I can't even find the time to think, or I haven't been sleeping for the last month. The answers will sometimes surprise you. And then from there, you can talk about what might need to change. So it might be that the goals or the focus of the coaching sessions need to change. It might be that the structure or the frequency of the sessions needs to change. So meeting once a week is too much for them and going down to twice a month, for example.
It might be that they would prefer to show up and identify what is top of mind for them today and not have as much structure or be working on such a focused problem because the value that they get from the sessions is just being able to talk through whatever the thing is that's taking up the most space for them that week.
And it might also be that it doesn't make sense for you to continue right now. And there are different options around that. It might be you put the sessions on pause for a while, or it might be that you actually decide to wrap up the coaching engagement. But the key with this conversation is to remember that it serves them for you to have it. And it's actually the kind thing to have the conversation. Avoiding it isn't kind, doesn't serve anybody. And that if you approach this with genuine curiosity and not frustration or criticism, if you drop the assumptions, then
it's going to go fine. It's going to lead to some good disinformation. And it's going to probably be the thing that has the shot of actually salvaging this coaching relationship and getting it back on track, whatever that looks like. So that's my suggestion for somebody when it feels like they're not making any progress, doing the work, you're just kind of stuck and they're not actually doing anything between sessions.
Let's talk about the second really common conversation that needs to happen. And this is when you have a client who continually jams on you, somebody who is constantly canceling or rescheduling. There's always something that comes up and your calendar is constantly getting shuffled as a result of this. You expect it when you see them on your calendar, you're like, they're going to bail again on me today. I've had a couple of clients like this over the years. You start to wonder if they're even committed.
Again, it's a time to get curious here. You wanna have the conversation, stay curious, drop the assumptions, stay out of judgment and criticism. Your time matters, their time matters. It's gonna serve everybody to try to get to the bottom of this whole thing because constantly rescheduling starts, you start to feel resentful. Again, ask me how I know I've been there. And that shifts the tenor of coaching sessions and the momentum also gets.
really knocked off course when somebody is cancelling constantly. It's hard to build momentum in terms of progress and change with people. So this conversation is not harsh, it's actually kind and it's in service of their growth and also of your personal satisfaction as a coach, honestly. So the first thing you do, as with the other conversation that we just talked about, is you name it, right? So I have noticed that we've had to reschedule the last few sessions.
I wanted to check in about that. Or it seems like it's been really tricky for you to protect our time together lately. What is going on with that? Or is there something that's making it harder for you to show up right now? And you might even want to ask, do you feel like this is still the right time for coaching, given everything that you have on your plate?
And you can be also clear about why this matters. I wanna be honest, when you keep rescheduling, it's really hard to build momentum. And I really am committed to helping you achieve the goals that you have for yourself and to creating value in this coaching engagement. And I find it hard to do that when we're constantly rescheduling.
And I think it's also obviously a really good time to restate whatever you have as a cancellation policy. I mean, by this point, guys, I am absolutely charging somebody for these sessions. Like I have a 24-hour cancellation policy. If you don't cancel 24 hours or more out from your session, then I charge you for that session or it counts as a session if you have prepaid for sessions. Now I do usually have like a first time is free, like one get out of jail pass for people.
The first time people have to cancel, especially if it's an emergency, I always give them grace on that and don't charge them or count the session. But once it starts happening repeatedly, I am absolutely counting those as sessions and letting people know that it will have to count as a session. So you might need to remind people of that policy if you haven't. And if you don't have a policy like that, I strongly recommend you have it. And I strongly recommend you communicate it to people in the...
the discovery call process or at the beginning of your coaching engagement, make sure that that gets communicated. It should really be also in whatever coaching agreement or contract that your people sign because you want to be able to go back to that. you know, it obviously acts as a deterrent for people to cancel late for a lot of people. But sometimes I have clients who just continually cancel even though they're getting charged. Either it's not a big deal for them financially or it's just more important to them.
to be able to have the flexibility than it is to come to the session. So getting curious about it is really the place to start. What's going on? I've noticed this. Have you noticed this? Trying to understand what's behind it, but then also get curious on some options that might help with this. Like, would it be helpful for us to move our sessions to a different day or a different time of day? Might that make it easier for you to attend?
Does it feel like too much right now to meet every week, for example, with less frequent sessions serve you? And maybe sometimes would pausing the coaching right now until things settle down for you be helpful because I'm willing to do that if you are willing to do that, right? So again, the key here is to name the pattern in a non-judgmental, non-critical way and then get curious about it and hold your boundaries and...
make it clear how this is impacting your ability to show up as the best coach, you know, as the coach that you want to be. And then offer some solutions, but also be willing to let it go if it needs to be let go, if you need to pause it or maybe the coaching arrangement needs to end, because every once in a while it does and that's okay. All right, let's talk about the third challenging client conversation. This is the client who wants advice.
This is the client who wants you to tell them what to do instead of standing in their own power and personal responsibility and really owning their own growth and change and action. So the client will continually ask you for advice. Well, what would you do or what do you suggest I do or what do think I should do? And they really want you to give you the answer. They push back when you ask questions like they say, well, what would you do in this situation?
Well, wait, let's stick with you for a second. I believe that you actually probably have a really good answer for this question. What would you do in this situation? Or if you were giving, know, if your daughter was in the same situation, what advice would you give her? And the pushback to that is, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. I don't, do they just continually say, I don't know? And they start to get frustrated when you won't solve it for them. Why does this happen?
Well, it happens for a bunch of reasons. It often happens because people don't understand what coaching is all about, which is one reason why I'm so adamant about explaining coaching to people before they start working with me, with having the conversation, making sure they really understand what coaching is all about. I ask in my intake form, have you ever had coaching before? And if the answer is yes, I say, tell me a little bit about what that looked like and what your experience was like.
not all coaching is created the same. If you're somebody who does a lot of pure coaching like I do, which is not advice giving, not consulting, it doesn't look like me giving advice. And sometimes though, people have had an experience with a coach who is much more of a consultant and an advice giver, and that's what they expect. So you got to really understand what they think coaching is all about and get clear on their expectations and understanding of coaching. Are they used to mentoring? Are they used to advice giving that
could be a big factor in this. Maybe making the decisions feels really hard or scary for them. They're lacking confidence and they really want to outsource that. Maybe they're not standing in personal responsibility right now. Maybe they don't believe in their own ability to change, in which case that's where the coaching needs to be focused, right? And listen, it is tempting for us to just give the advice, especially when you have an opinion. You don't want to seem unhelpful. You sometimes sharing from your own experience can be really helpful, I think, in a coaching engagement.
And you're worried that if you don't, they're gonna get more frustrated and they're gonna walk away from you. But the truth is is that, and I really believe this, like good coaching, and I'm talking about not consulting. We've talked on this podcast before about how a lot of us do a combination of consulting and coaching, and that is totally okay and cool. But I'm talking about pure coaching here. Pure coaching is really about helping people find their own answers. That's the value of coaching. It's not about you telling them what to do.
⁓ If you're doing that, then you're not actually doing the peer coaching. And I think people take action much better from a place of responsibility when they have ownership in the insight, in the decision, in the clarity, in the action steps, because they've been like at least coactively participating in the conversation, that is much more impactful and valuable for them. So, you know,
most of the time staying in a place of powerful open-ended questions and pure coaching is the most helpful for people. But also there's a nuance to this. Sometimes, as I said earlier, sharing an observation or a framework or a new perspective or offering something up for them can be really helpful to them. So it's not about being rigid here. It's just about recognizing, wow, the balance is the pendulum's really shifted into advice giving here and there's not a lot of coaching
this is again,
the time to get curious. I'm noticing that you're asking me to tell you what to do here, or that you asked for my advice on this. I'm curious, what is making it hard for you to trust your own judgment here? Again, it's a powerful question that's coming back. What's making it hard for you to trust yourself in this situation? What's your gut telling you? I could tell you what I think, but I'm more curious or more interested in what you think. What is your gut telling you here? There's no right or wrong answers. I'm just curious. What do you feel in your gut?
And you can explain why you can say like part of my job is to help you build your own decision-making muscle It's to help you build confidence in the fact that you are the best Decision-maker for you that you know you better than anybody else and I want you to walk away from this coaching engagement trusting yourself Not depending on me. And so that's why I want us to lean back in a little more to what you
no is the right answer here or what you want for yourself or what will serve you in this situation. And you know you can do this in a really gentle way too. You can say look let's just slow this down.
Let's just do some hypotheticals here. Okay? I'm not going to hold your feet to the fire. I say that to people all the time and that helps take the pressure off them. I'm not holding your feet to the fire. We're just exploring things here. If you already knew what to do, what would that be? That can be a really powerful question for people who are like in this place of like always asking for your thoughts and not trusting themselves. Or just calling it out. Like what is, what feels so confusing or scary about this to you right now?
What do you think it is that is like the fear that's keeping you from answering this question? What are you afraid of happening if you answer this question? Or what are you afraid of happening if you take a step? Again, sometimes it is really helpful to give some guidance, to give a new perspective, to offer something up to people, to share a story. But I do think that...
Coaching is just genuinely much more helpful for people if it is mostly led by them, or led by you through powerful questions, but them, you know, exploring options. So.
I would say that again, in this area where a client is asking for advice all the time, this is such a great time to be returning to powerful questions, to be pulling back, but powerful questions now about why they're not trusting themselves or why they feel like you might have a better answer than they do to this particular issue. So getting back into curiosity, leaning into powerful questions, those are the questions that start with what or how, as a reminder, those are the questions that
don't provide an answer or suggest an answer. They are not easily answerable with a yes or a no or impossible to answer with a yes or a no. Those are the questions we're talking about here. But make those powerful what or how questions relate to the actual challenge at hand here, which is that they are relying on you for advice or they are valuing your thoughts on this more than they're valuing their thoughts on it. Or they feel unable to give themselves
feedback or advice in this particular area of their life. Okay, another really challenging thing that comes up with clients is clients who have made zero progress. Okay, so this is not necessarily a client who's not doing the work. It's just a client who's not making progress. And I've had clients like this who feels like they take it away, they're doing the journaling, they're doing this stuff, but they're not actually making any progress. Nothing seems to be moving. The sessions do feel a bit flat, a bit repetitive.
you're starting to run out of ideas as a coach and you're starting to wonder if you're the right coach for them. So the issue here, it's not effort just to distinguish it from that first challenge area where somebody is just like not doing the work. This isn't about effort. It's about the results. Like something's not landing and you can't quite figure out why. This can happen for a bunch of different reasons. This can happen because the goal's not right. This is very often the thing. Maybe you set a goal in the beginning and it's no longer the right goal. The approach you're taking might not be right either.
You know, and they might have hit a wall that requires some other form of support. This happens sometimes, like I said, sometimes it's they need therapy support. Sometimes they need medical support. Like in the burnout work that I do, sometimes people are just exist. They really need support for their physical health because their physical health is making it impossible for them to have any resources left over for coaching. Right. There are different reasons why that can happen.
Oftentimes though, there's an elephant in the room. There's something that is being avoided. are not, you're circling around the thing that you really need to be talking about, but you're not talking about it. I talked about this in another podcast episode, the elephant in the room and how to deal with that. Sometimes also there is actually progress happening, but it's just micro progress. just, it's, it's almost invisible. You can't see it. And so we avoid this conversation about it feeling like
progress isn't happening for people because we really like these clients, we know they're doing the work. And so suggesting that progress isn't happening, we're afraid that we're gonna discourage them or hurt their feelings. And we're also probably afraid that it's gonna look like we're failing as coaches and we'll get blamed for it. So here's where you need to shift on this. Again, the kind thing to do here is to have the conversation. The unkind thing to do is to not talk about it.
The kind thing, having the conversation will very often get people unstuck, will very often lead to tremendous progress. I've seen this happen many, many times with my clients. so, you know, acknowledging when something isn't working is really the most helpful thing sometimes for clients. So here's how to have the conversation. Start with, again, an honest reflection. This is the place to start with all of this. I wanna check in on how you're feeling about the work that we're doing.
From my perspective, it feels like we've hit a bit of a plateau. I am curious how it feels to you, right? Or I want to really talk about that so that we can figure out what we want to do about it.
Then you're going to get their perspective, right? They're going to, you're going to their feedback. Like, how are you feeling about where we are? Does it feel like things are shifting for you? Is there value in the sessions for you still? Maybe even, you know, things that I'm not seeing. And again, this is where you might get a response that really surprises you. Like I did from that one client, it did feel like we weren't making a lot of progress, but boy was the value there for him. And he was happy to talk about and to engage in, you know, conversation with me that was led with powerful coaching conversation or questions.
about whatever was going on in his life that day or that week, and just to have a safe space to feel emotions and be vulnerable and admit things. So you never know what you're gonna get when you ask that question. You can also ask, is there something that we're not talking about that might actually be the thing or that might actually lead to a real shift for us here? It might be more important than what we have been focusing on.
I think I've shared this example, a recent client of mine where we were talking about burnout, the engagement was all around burnout. We spent the first, I'm going to say six sessions at least just talking about burnout, talking about strategies around burnout recovery, also, know, practical things she'd be doing. She was a very successful business person. So in the way that she organized herself, her systems, her structures, delegation, all of that stuff. But I'm telling you,
We were coming back around to the same thing in every call. And finally, in the fifth of six sessions, I said, look, I'm just curious, how much is this X issue, which is something that we were not spending a ton of time talking about, but always came up right at the end of the call. How much do you think that relationship is contributing to the way you're feeling? And she said, I think it's responsible for 90 % of it or something like that. And I was like, holy cow, this is the elephant. And then I said to her,
Wow, okay, that's what my intuition was telling me too. Does it feel like there's value for us to talk about that next time, to spend the next session on that? And we did, and then we actually re-engaged for another six sessions and focused on that. And that area ended up being an area where she made an enormous change that was so impactful for her across the board and changed everything for her, including frankly, her burnout. ⁓ So that's an example of that, of calling out the elephant in the room. It was a hard conversation to have.
but it ended up being the thing that served her so well and also served me as a coach because I got to do some really impactful, powerful work with her and it was really satisfying and just felt very fulfilling to me and I wouldn't have if I hadn't had that conversation. So you can explore the things that might need to change. Like I'm wondering if the goals that we set still feel right or if something shifted for you. Again, goals are often at play here.
Or the approach, like is there a different approach that might work better for you? This is how we've been doing it. Here's an option or is there something that feels like it might work better for you that you can think of? Is there something outside of coaching that might need to happen first? And I will often suggest this if for example, I feel like, know, if talking to somebody about a relationship, for example, I'm like, look,
you're at the point where there's a difficult conversation that needs to happen with your partner, for example, you have acknowledged that that needs to happen, you have a sense of what needs to happen on your side of it, but you're terrified to have that conversation. And you also feel like this person is maybe not on the same page and you would like help facilitating that conversation. Does this feel like a good time for you to explore, for example, relationship counseling with this person? And it might be that we need to pause our coaching or it might be that that's happening in parallel with our coaching, but...
that might be a helpful thing. Or like I said, if a lot of ⁓ trauma is obvious coming up, it hasn't been processed, that's clear to me. It's keeping this person stuck. That is completely outside of my scope. That is for therapy and I will recommend therapy at that point. Okay.
What might need to change to get this client making progress again? The goals are the focus, as I've said, the approach that you're taking in the coaching sessions, the frequency or structure sometimes is also at play here, how often you're meeting, whether coaching is the right support right now, or they actually need something else like medical support, therapy, counseling, whether you're the right coach for the person. Sometimes that's the case. Sometimes you've gotten into, it's become clear that the elephant in the room is something that is completely different from what they engaged you on.
and you don't have the skills in that. So for example, let's say you're coaching somebody through, know, burnout or stress management or something like that. And it becomes clear to you that they have a problematic relationship with alcohol and they acknowledge and identify that. And you don't have any training or skills in that area. That's a time where maybe referring them out to somebody who does, and that could be a variety of different people, frankly, at that point, is the right step, right? So...
The key here is just to not let a plateau go unaddressed. It doesn't serve anybody to do that. Approach the conversation with curiosity, approach it with compassion, approach it with humility, and just be willing to hear whatever comes up from that conversation. And sometimes it might be that the approach isn't working. And then you have to be willing to be flexible in your approach.
flexible in terms of what you're focusing on with the client and sometimes flexible in terms of the engagement and whether you keep going or you pause it or you refer them out. Okay, the last thing that I wanted to talk about in terms of difficult conversations is when and how to end a coaching relationship. This is one of the hardest conversations to have. Sometimes ending a coaching relationship early needs to happen. And listen, there's so many different reasons why.
I haven't had to end very many, but I've been coaching for almost 15 and a half, 16 years now, and I can tell you that I have had to end some. Sometimes it's that the fit just isn't right for whatever reason. It just doesn't feel good. You just cannot show up as your best self as a coach. You feel like you're not making progress with the person and you, no matter what you try, your gut is telling you it's just a fit thing. It's just not the right fit. Now, hopefully with a good discovery call process, you're screening that out and that's not happening very often.
I don't know if I've ever had to end a relationship because it's a terrible fit is usually a more specific reason why, but sometimes that does happen for people. It might be that they're just not making progress. And even though you've gotten curious, even though you've had the hard conversations, you can't get it going. ⁓ and so the value isn't there for them anymore. And it's really frustrating for you. It might be that they've crossed a boundary that cannot be repaired. This is something that has happened to me before. it has.
I've had, I can think of one client and example specifically where this happened and it was very difficult and very uncomfortable. And it forced me to really be very strong and to ditch my people pleasing tendencies and really hold a boundary. And I had to end the engagement. So sometimes that happens.
⁓ Even if we had tried to keep going, the damage had been done and I don't think, I think it would have impacted my ability to coach this person well going forward. The fit thing, guess, is like, sometimes the bad fit thing is like, just, it's, this person is just a constant suck on your energy. They're just a drain. You never leave a session with them feeling good. You always feel drained. You're always second guessing yourself. You're always feeling depleted after a conversation with them.
My coaching calls, even the ones that are the most challenging, the most emotional, where we go super deep and where people are getting really vulnerable and feeling all the things. And a lot of times there's some transference of that to me. So those calls feel really difficult and they can feel a bit heavy, is probably not the right word, but quite serious and important to me. I always still feel like I have gotten something from that. Like that has filled my cup up.
I've been able to help somebody, support somebody, hold space for somebody. It always feels good. When it doesn't, when it feels like your energy is being drained by a client week after week, that is something to listen to and often a sign that the coaching relationship is not serving anybody and needs to end. Again, as I've hinted at with some of the other conversations, sometimes they're just better served by somebody else. So another professional might be a better fit for them, whether that's a therapist or medical doctor or marriage counselor or something like that.
⁓ Or you've realized this is just outside your niche area or expertise and maybe a different coach might be a better fit for them. Obviously, we don't like having this conversation because it feels a little bit like failure sometimes. And we're worried about sometimes the financial impact of letting go of a client. They're not going to be paying us anymore. And we're worried about what they're going to say and how they're going to react. And we don't want them to feel any worse. So again,
The mindset shift on this is the difficult conversation is always the kind conversation and not every coaching relationship is meant to last forever. And honestly, if you let them move on, they're going to achieve the change and whatever the goals are that they're striving for, they're gonna achieve those faster because they're not moving with you. It's not helping them. So it's actually in service to them.
Holding onto a client who isn't a fit serves neither one of you. Letting go not only allows them to move on, but creates space for you to bring in the next right client, right? So you've got to trust your gut. You can ask yourself, this question is a helpful question. I've asked myself this before. If this client came to me today as a new potential client, would I take them on? Knowing what I know, right?
Then you have to have the conversation. Again, you start with like you're honest, you're compassionate, but you're also direct. I need to have an honest conversation with you. I've been reflecting on our coaching and I'm not sure I'm the right coach for you right now. I think you might be better served with somebody who specializes in X if that's the case, if you feel like they're out of scope or
you know, we just keep bumping up against the same issue and no matter what we try together, it doesn't feel like you're making progress. And I just really, I'm feeling like the value is not there for you. And I want to talk about that. I just, I don't think this is working out the way we had hoped. Now you don't have to over explain or apologize or anything. You just have to say, I don't think this is working. And I want us to figure out where to go from here.
and I know this is disappointing, I'm disappointed too, but let's figure out how to make the right decision for both of us. And you have the conversation. What you don't do is ghost them. What you don't do is wait until it's just gotten so bad that you blow up at them, that it's not what you want, or they blow up at you. You wanna keep it neutral and professional. It's not about them failing or you failing. It's just not working. And you don't wanna drag it out. You just wanna have it. Give yourself grace. This is really hard.
Okay, it's gonna happen to you. And when you have the conversation, it's gonna feel really hard. You might even shed a tear. I've done that. But this is a really great part of the whole big business experiment. Well, small business experiment, as this is in the case of probably your business, but it's a big part of small business experiment, right? And it's an opportunity for you to learn, reflect on what you learned. Like, what would you do differently next time? What could you refine in your intake process to make it less likely that...
this type of person becomes a client of yours? Or what could you do differently to enforce your boundaries or clarify your boundaries? Or is there ⁓ something that needs to happen in terms of a narrowing of your niche here that will make it more likely that you're attracting clients who are a better fit for you? You just have to trust that this is all part of the process and that
You're, you everything that happens with for you in business is an opportunity to learn and tweak and change and get better because that's that's how it is. And that by letting go of a client, you have made space for the next right client. Ending a coaching relationship is actually a skill. It is not a failure. And you have to trust that it is the right thing for both you and for your client. And as long as again, you approach it with
curiosity, clarity and kindness, and you just stay professional in it, it is going to feel okay. Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be all right. Okay, well, that is it. That wraps up our five part series on the conversations that build coaching businesses. Over the past five weeks, we've covered how to network, even if you hate it, how to follow up after a conversation that didn't convert.
whether that's a sales call or it's a more casual conversation that's happened, how to talk about your pricing and the process by which you let people know about your pricing and how to do that with real confidence. And then today, of course, we've talked about these five very common difficult conversations that we often have to have with clients. These are the conversations that quietly build sustainable coaching businesses. They're not glamorous.
They don't go viral. They're not the things people are talking about all the time, but they are skills that separate coaches who struggle from coaches who thrive. And I am in the business of helping new coaches thrive. So I appreciate that you have stuck it out for this series. I hope you have found it really helpful. I hope it's given you language, confidence, and the permission to have the conversations that matter. That's it for me today. Once again, thanks for listening to The Coaching Edge. Thanks for sharing it with other coaches who might find it helpful.
and I will see you next week on The Coaching Edge.
