Wendy McCallum (01:37)
Hello, coach. Welcome back to the Coaching Edge. We're shifting gears a little bit today and I'm really excited about this topic. We're actually gonna be talking about the simplest, I think, and one of the most powerful ways to instantly become a better coach. So we're gonna be talking about coaching skills today, getting better at the actual practice of coaching and...
adding more value to your client sessions as opposed to the business of coaching, which is what we often talk about here. So we're gonna talk about one of the simplest and most powerful ways to instantly become a better coach, which is to ask better questions. This is not about adding more tools or frameworks or expensive certifications. That's not what we're talking about. This is something that you can literally start practicing in your very next client session after this episode. So that we're not gonna be talking about
niche specific powerful questions or how to get better at supporting clients in this area or that area. This is gonna be a really general conversation today that's going to serve every coach who's listening because it's all very sort of general yet very, very important principles that support really valuable coaching sessions with clients that lead to really tremendous insight, really tremendous movement, growth and shifting for your client.
And they're really very, very flexible as well. So they work no matter what the niche is that you support clients in or what the particular problem is that you help people to solve. The truth is the quality of your coaching is directly tied to the quality of the questions that you ask. So in this episode, I'm gonna break down what makes a powerful question, why curiosity is your secret coaching superpower, how to shift away from leading questions. We're gonna talk about what those are and how to stop.
using them and how powerful what and how questions can completely change the depth and direction of your coaching conversations. So we're going to talk about the power of the words what and how. We're going to come back to that over and over again. So that's what we're going to talk about and again it's going to be generally applicable, really flexible information today. So no matter whether you're a brand new coach starting out or you're a master coach who's been at this now for 10 plus years, you're going to get something out of this episode and I encourage you to keep listening.
One thing I have learned that has served me very well as a coach of now almost, well, over 15 years is that I can always improve. I can always learn something new. And I think that that is what has allowed me to become such a great coach. I'm always looking for new ideas, new skills, reminders of skills I already have. And I think that this episode is gonna do just that for you if you have been coaching for a while. So keep listening, please. Before we get started,
on the principles of asking better questions, the foundations of being a better question asker as a coach, I wanna remind you that I have a 90 plus powerful questions document that you can download. It is absolutely free. It's one of my most popular cheat sheets and it includes some examples of the types of powerful questions we're gonna talk about today, but I have organized them subject by subject.
So for example, if you're coaching somebody through relationships, you'll see there's a little section in there on some powerful questions related to relationships. There are also powerful questions related to things like grief, burnout, and a variety of other like common life coaching areas. So that 90 plus powerful coaching questions cheat sheet is available through my website anytime completely for free. I'll put the link in the show notes as well so you can grab it there.
Just wanted to remind you of that if you have not got that yet because that's a great companion to this episode And I encourage you to print it out what I always say about those powerful coaching questions is you don't really want to be referring to them during a coaching session because I think that's gonna break the flow and it's gonna make it really hard for you to actually adhere to some of the really core principles of good coaching that we're gonna talk about in this podcast episode, but it is a great resource to review in between coaching sessions or to revisit after a coaching session
or sometimes in advance of a coaching session if you know you're gonna be focusing on a specific topic. So don't be too, I don't want you to feel restricted by it in any way or married to it and I think it can be really distracting to have a list of questions in front of you when you're coaching. for that reason, I don't recommend you referring to it during a coaching session really, but it is a really, really great resource and it's going to get you thinking about some lines of inquiry that you probably weren't thinking about before.
Let's get into it. Why do questions matter so much in coaching? Seems like kind of a silly question, honestly. But the truth is, that the questions are really important because at its core, pure coaching is not about giving advice or having the answers. Now, little caveat here, many of you are probably practicing in kind of a hybrid of consulting or teaching and coaching, like I do, around the business coaching side of things.
Sometimes I do pure coaching with my clients if they're feeling stuck or there's a mindset that's keeping them playing small. I might do some more pure coaching, which will be along the lines of what we're gonna talk about in today's episode. But I am also there to provide them with advice and strategy because I have a lot of expertise in the areas that I support coaches in. So I have a hybrid practice where sometimes I'm wearing my consultant or teacher hat and sometimes I'm wearing my pure coaching hat. You might be the same depending on what your niche or area of coaching is. Today we are talking about more of the sort of
pure coaching. So this is different from teaching and giving advice and strategy. Okay, so at its core, pure coaching is not about giving advice or having the answers. And one of the ways that we stay in that pure coaching mode as coaches is to be very careful about the questions that we ask. When we ask a truly powerful question, we help our clients slow down and reflect.
access their own inner wisdom and take ownership of their decisions and actions. So this is really deeply connected to something that I believe to be very, very true and that I was taught in my life coach training through the Coactive Training Institute, which I did many, years ago now. And that is that my clients and in fact, everyone, including you listening to this podcast right now and all the other coaches that I support.
Everyone is naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Which means everyone is their own best resource when it comes to information about what serves them best. I don't know better than my clients what they need. My client always knows best because my client is naturally resourceful, creative and whole. They already have all of the answers. They already know what they need more of, what they need less of, and they already know what the next right step is for them. They just may need some help.
accessing that information, but it's their information to access. It's not my advice to give them. So that's why the questions matter so much because they help you to stay in the place that you want to stay in, in a coaching session, which is not to be solving problems for them, but to be helping them see what is already there, but maybe just a little bit hidden under the surface. The beautiful thing is you don't have to know their answer ahead of time. In fact,
you're not supposed to know the answer. You probably have no idea what the answer is. And if you did go try to guess the answer, you'd probably only get it partly right some of the time. You simply need to trust the process and stay curious. And this is a relief for lot of, especially the newer coaches that I work with. Like you don't have to be anticipating an answer and then have the next right question all lined up for that. In fact, I think that that is really, you know, it's a little bit cocky.
to think that you would know what the right next answer is. And it's really not in alignment with what coaching, pure coaching anyway, is all about. So let's talk about what makes a powerful question. The types of questions that we wanna be focusing on, asking most of the time in pure coaching sessions are powerful questions. Let's break it down. A powerful coaching question typically has a few key qualities. First, it's open-ended. That means,
that it invites exploration and it does not invite a simple yes or no answer. So it doesn't lead to an answer of yes or no, it cannot be answered with a yes or a no. So you can practice this, practice some questions that you might ask a client and then ask yourself, could they answer that with yes or with no? And it would make sense, the answer would make sense, in which case, it's probably not an open-ended question. So we're looking for open-ended questions.
that really invite exploration in the answer on the part of the client. We're gonna talk more about what those are in a second. A powerful coaching question is also typically neutral, which means it avoids leading the client towards a specific answer. In other words, our agenda or what we think the right response or answer is, is not at all a part of the question. It really shouldn't be part of the coaching session at all, but we're human and sometimes we have thoughts in our heads.
And sometimes we judge, because that's what we do. We want to get better and better at staying out of that as coaches, but we definitely don't want that showing up in the questions that we ask. We want to keep our powerful questions neutral. That's one of the things that makes them so powerful. So we want to avoid leading the client towards a specific answer. And in a perfect world, our questions are mostly present or future focused. So keeping our clients focused on what's happening right now and the possibilities and the next steps.
Powerful coaching questions are also client centered. So it keeps the focus on their experience, on their perspective, and on their process. Again, that really underscores that idea that they are their own best resource. They know themselves better than anybody else. They already have the information and answers that they're seeking. And so we're keeping the questions client centered so that it helps them to focus on that, what their own experience has been, what they know to be true.
what their perspective is like and what works best for them typically when they are trying to do the type of thing that they're trying to do right now. So I'm gonna give you a few examples, because I've always found like this is something that's much, it's sort of learned by doing and by practice. So before I get into this anymore, I wanna just remind all of you and hopefully you know this because you've listened to this podcast enough to know that I am a big fan of
self-compassion in all things. And I think when it comes to being a great coach, we really need to have self-compassion. Coaching is a learned skill. And there are some things that we can take right out of a training or a certification into coaching sessions with clients that are gonna serve us really well and create great value. But we are going to get better at this the more we do it. And the more we work on getting better, the more mindful we are around the types of questions that we're asking. So...
you're not going to be doing this all of the time and you're going to listen to what I'm saying today and there are probably going to be some areas where you're to think, oh shoot, I do that the wrong way all the time. It's not wrong. It's just not as good as it could be. And so I just want you to think about slowly improving and staying mindful around this. If you ask two more powerful questions than you would have asked in a session next week as a result of being mindful and listening to what I say today and really working on this, that's a win.
And over time, you'll find that you will get better and better at this till you get to the point where most of the questions that you ask in a peer coaching session are really powerful, open-ended, neutral, client-centered questions. Okay? So here are some examples of like leading questions versus powerful, open-ended or non-leading alternatives. Okay? So, and I'll give you lots of examples in the course of the podcast today so your brain gets turning. A leading question is something like, don't you think you should be exercising more? Not only is that
leading in that it could be answered with a yes or a no. It is also very judgmental, right? Don't you think you should be exercising more? Some of these examples are a little extreme just to get my point across, but you know, it's, I don't think it's subtle at all. I actually feel like it's quite judgmental and it implies that there is a correct answer that I'm expecting, right? Like it's suggesting to the client that the answer is yes. Don't you think you should? Yes, right? So,
That is a very leading question and I would argue not very powerful at all. A powerful alternative might be, what kind of movement feels good in your body right now? You can't answer that with a yes or no, doesn't make sense. You're inviting a bigger, more robust answer and some consideration and contemplation by your client. So what kind of movement feels good in your body right now?
And then they might say, well, know what feels really good to me is like walking feels really great. I actually really like walking. I find it's no pressure and I feel happy when I'm out there doing it. And sometimes I can multitask a little and listen to a podcast or talk to a friend. And I'll say something like as a follow-up, great, that's great. How do you feel when you're walking regularly? Again, you can't answer that with a yes or no. And I'm asking my client,
to tell me how they feel. And they're probably gonna say they feel good. They're probably gonna say this feels great to them. That is a much more empowering question or approach than don't you think you should be exercising more? Again, very obvious example, but I'm just trying to make it really clear here the difference. Here's another leading question. Why do you always procrastinate on your personal writing projects? And the client might've just said, you know what? I always procrastinate on my writing. Instead of saying, why do you always procrastinate on your writing?
which is going to send your client probably into a bit of a defensive place. What tends to get in the way when you plan to sit down and write? Okay, it just, again, it's opening up the answer here and it's getting the client to really think about something specific, which is what are the barriers there? What are the things that get in the way of me actually sitting down and writing when I plan to?
And then another question that might be a powerful one that's quite an open question as well with no agenda is how do you feel when you imagine contemplating or sorry, completing one of these writing sessions? So how do you feel when you imagine completing one of these writing sessions? How would that feel to you? How do you imagine that that would feel? So you can see the difference here, right? Like it's not rocket science. It's just we naturally fall into these leading questions, I think. Because I think typically outside of coaching, we're trying to be efficient.
And we're also like sort of by default thinking that we know, we already know better a lot of the time. And so we have the answers for people.
Okay, so you can hear the difference, I think. Powerful questions open a door. They invite your client to reflect without feeling judged or boxed in. Now let's talk about what is at the heart of powerful coaching. This is my favorite thing to talk about with coaches, and that is curiosity. When you genuinely stay curious, you are going to let go of your own agenda. So it's just, the tool or the lens that allows powerful questions to be so much more accessible for you.
Because when you are rooted in curiosity as a coach in a coaching session, you are going to let go of your agenda because you're genuinely curious. What are they going to say next? What's the answer to this question? I wonder what would happen if this, I wonder how they would answer that. You're staying super curious about it instead of assuming that you know how this is all going to go. It also keeps you out of that place where you're trying to fix or give advice when you stay curious. And it gives you
client complete permission to explore their own truth. And that in turn leads to a coaching session that charts its own course. It goes the way that it goes. And honestly, I mean, I've been doing this for a very long time now, and I can tell you that the most powerful moments in coaching have come from sessions where I've been very rooted in curiosity, had no idea where the coaching session was gonna go.
asked questions I had no idea what the answers were to, and left lots of space and time for my clients to answer them, and maybe even asked like very big follow-up questions like, can you tell me more about that? Or, I'm really curious to know what else comes up for you around this topic. And I have no idea what they're gonna say, but oftentimes these are the most powerful moments in coaching.
So when your client feels that open space that comes from you being rooted in curiosity, they'll often say things like, my gosh, I have never thought about it that way before. Like you can see the light go on in your client's head on the other side of the Zoom screen or in the chair across from you if you're coaching in person, you'll see it. And that is gold. That is where the real transformation happens. So I want you to practice this curiosity piece. I want you to be...
Put a post-it note on your computer or on your desktop that says, stay curious, that will remind you when you're in a coaching session to just really stay curious. Like, what is the next thing I wanna know about this? What am I genuinely curious about here? And then I want you to practice this specific thing over the course of the next week or two. Practice staying curious for 30 more seconds than you would have otherwise.
Practice staying with the curiosity instead of jumping in with a suggestion. Really try to stick with it when you're feeling that urge to get in there and give some advice or a suggestion or fix the thing. Just stay curious and see what happens. Because often that 30 seconds or so is where the magic happens. Okay, so that's the role of curiosity and it's really, really important. Again, I mean, I'm all for like reminders, mental cues. I've got Post-it notes all over the place in my office.
put one somewhere in your office really close by to your computer screen or wherever you do your live coaching and have it say, stay curious. Okay, now I wanna talk about these two magical words that will change everything for you if you start focusing on them. And those are the word what and the word how. If you go back and you were to re-listen to some of those examples that I gave you of...
powerful questions. What you're going to see is there's a trend there, which is that most of the powerful questions that I use start with the word what or the word how.
I sometimes use the word why, but not very often. I find that what or how are always more, just provide more space for a client in the answer. Those two words work because they invite your client into reflection. They move the conversation forward. Like, what could you do differently next week around this area? Or how could you...
show up in a way that's in alignment with your value of curiosity, right? So they move the conversation forward, they move the client forward, they reduce defensiveness and judgment because it's difficult to ask a judgy question from how, place of how or a place of what, unless you say, how on earth could you let that happen, which is very judgy. But if you say something like,
How did that make you feel? Or how could you shift that? How do you think you could shift that in a future conversation? Or what do you think might have served you better? Those questions are not going to push your client into defensiveness or judgment. They're gonna push them into genuine inquiry, which is what we want.
They focus on possibilities, not on problems. So I love what and why. I mean, what and how, I'm sorry. Contrast that with why questions. Now, like I said, sometimes I use why and most coaches use why sometimes in their coaching practice, but not very often because why often sends clients into justification mode. So they're like justifying their behavior, their actions, their thoughts. So why did you eat that? That's gonna trigger defensiveness. They're gonna justify that. Why haven't you done the thing?
also triggers shame, it's judgmental. But if you asked instead, if somebody said, I didn't get that thing done, you said, what was happening for you that made that challenging last week? That is not gonna push them into defensiveness. Instead, it's gonna push them into inquiry. They're gonna be like, okay, what was it that made that really hard for me to do last week instead of defending or justifying? Or,
How can you set yourself up for more success next time? Or what did you learn from that experience last week that you can take into next week? Again, those questions feel so much more spacious than that why question. So focusing on using the words what and how at the beginning of questions is a game changer. So next to stay curious on your Post-it note, I want you to write what and how with a question mark after each of them.
and really challenge yourself. When I was running the CCSI, which is my confident coaching skills intensive, I ran it in a beta forum in the late spring. And I had sessions with my coaches where I challenged them in the live coaching sessions that I was sort of mentoring them through and giving them some constructive critique on to only ask questions that start with what and how. And...
if they started to ask a question and it didn't start with what or how they had to stop themselves and reframe the question and it was such a powerful exercise for them. And I really wanna encourage you to try that going forward and just see for yourself what difference those what and how based questions have. So if you take nothing else away from this episode, take that away, cause that is gold. Okay.
Also obviously gets you out of advice mode, right? Like you're not giving advice when you ask a question that starts with a
or how, you're really not. I also wanna talk a little bit about agenda-based coaching versus curiosity-based coaching. So I introduced this concept of curiosity, but the opposite of curiosity as a coach and staying in curiosity in a coaching session is really coaching from the place of an agenda or some predetermination of the result.
or the goal of the session. And it's easy to fall into this. think if we get really honest about it for a minute, one of the biggest shifts that newer coaches have to make is moving from that agenda-based coaching to curiosity-based coaching. Agenda-based coaching sounds like in the coach's head, statements like, I need to make sure that they leave with the plan. I need to deliver value. I need to help them fix this, or I should help them fix this, or if they're stuck, it's my job.
to pull them out fast and get them unstuck. That's all agenda-based coaching. And those are the types of things that is really natural to think as a coach before you get into a session with a client, especially as a newer coach. But curiosity-based coaching sounds like this. It sounds like I trust that my client has the wisdom that they need and that we can get through this together and we're gonna get somewhere together. I am here to create space for my client to explore this.
My client actually owns the pace and the direction. My job is to partner, not to prescribe.
